Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

Thoughts and links from a cynical skeptic

You're not going to be having any other conversations other than Lost for a long time.


Final Season Of 'Lost' Promises To Make Fans More Annoying Than Ever

To be fair, I don't have any disdain for this show.  In fact, I've only watched two complete episodes (the very first one and last season's finale), so it would be hard for me to make a judgement.  I've watched some bits and pieces of the show on ABC.com, but the show just never hooked me like it has some of my friends.

The funny thing about this video from The Onion is that people who watch Lost probably don't realize that this is what it's like for the rest of us.  Even if you know the entire story start to finish from listening to your friends babblng on and on about it, there's still this uncomprehendable disconnection between those who have watched the show obsessively, and those who are more casual about it.

One of my Lost loving friends told me that you "cannot appreciate the show if you haven't watched the whole thing."  I tend to disagree.  I think the story is cool, and I've even picked out which characters I like more than others.  Another friend told me that people get aggressive when it comes to Lost, which is something I cannot understand at all.  Is the show amd the time you spent watching it worth any less because there are people who can talk moderately about the show without being "sucked in"?

I'm sure a lot of you out there love this show, and I'm happy for you.  I just hope that you don't gnash your teeth every time someone says that it's just "okay" instead of "OMG PHENOMENAL I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT JUST HAPPENED".  Leave any comments you want, but let's keep it civil, folks.

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Jennifer Love Hewitt's chrystal encrusted clam is not sexy.

She's a beautiful girl, but let's be serious.  This "vagazzling" thing is really a bit much, even for a girl who has dated as many guys as she has. 

"It looks like a disco ball down there." 

Really.  And somehow you think this is cute and/or sexy?  The last thing any guy wants to think about is making it with a hot chick only to be confronted with a diamond chainsaw grinding up their "precious little gentleman".

How have you not opened yourself up for "annoying" attention while talking about how crusty your vagina is?  Oh, I'm sorry, "encrusted".  Like there's a difference.  If you need to smash rocks into your lady bits to get some kind of sensation, you probably have ruined yourself already.

As a disclaimer, I want to make it perfectly clear that this type of conversation is a blatant attempt at resurrecting a dying career.  Whether or not JLH has some kind of sexual disorder is not for me to assume.

Things you are not: sexy, cute, innocent, discreet

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You're not less of a loser because you're having sex with a robot, rather than a balloon.

Sex_robot_doomsday_604x341

Seriously, what are you doing?  You've somehow engineered a lawn mower to give you a blowjob and somehow you think this is both safe and natural?  Blowup dolls are just bizarre and creepy on their own and here you go sticking it in C-3P0.

While sex is prevelant in every medium from video games to cartoons to mass media, I would have hoped that Batteries Not Included would have remained the title of a charming story involving an elderly couple and alien robot things, and NOT become a viable porno title.  At least keep it within the vibrator fetish category.  No one wants to see pathetic nerds trying to fuck Rosie from The Jetsons in the regular section.

Now you're going to see much more troubling sex scandals develop.  The next thing you know, Tiger Woods eill admit that he bought one.  Look, guys, if you think it's a good idea to keep sticking your dick in the toaster oven, go right ahead.  Otherwise, let's put down the cock-bot mentality.

(Image via PopSci)

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