Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

Thoughts and links from a cynical skeptic
 

You're not an athlete, and you will never be one.

I'm sorry to let you know this, but the only time anyone watches a "parkour" video (what a fucking TERRIBLE name for a so-called sport) is at times when they think they're going to see shit like this, where idiots like you jump off of things expecting to look like Tony Hawk but wind up busting your face into a million pieces in the name of something you made up to try and look cool.

Extreme sports include a real element of danger, usually coupled with a tool to aid the athlete in defying some sort of inevitable death that would happen under any ordinary circumstance.  snowboarding, hang gliding, jet skiing (with ramps and crazy tricks), and everything Evel Knievel pulled off: these are all examples of this.  Not parkour.

Parkour is a sport where fameball idiots intentionally throw themselves down stairs and cause injury to themselves because they're living up to their reputation as fucking idiots.  Most of the people who engage in this type of bullshit are of sound mind <--THAT'S FUCKING SARCASM, FOLKS.

Things you are not: athletic, agile, cool, skilled, smart, Evel Knievel

Filed under  //   accident   athletic   austin   comedy   cool   cynical   cynicism   evel knievel   extreme   fall   funny.   humor   keenan   mashup   parkour   remix   sarcasm   sarcastic   skateboarding   skeptic   skeptical   skilled   smart   snowboarding   sports   stupid people   thedailytube   video   viral  
Posted December 20, 2009
// 3 Comments
 

You're not going to have a good holiday, and your party will definitely suck.

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You live in a dump.  Nobody wants to hang out with you during the holidays because all you do is get overly excited about a commercial holiday that has outlived its time as a relevant factor in American society.

Everyone hates Christmas, whether they admit it or not.  The only reason anyone goes about any of the trouble to celebrate the holidays (GOD, I hate how i have to keep using a bullshit euphemism like that) is so that they either a) get laid or b) get something nice in return or c) make themselves feel better about acting selfishly all year with meaningless, token motions of generosity that add up to "spending money for no reason". 

This includes any and all charity work done in between Thanksgiving season and New Year's Day.  If you manage to go help out the homeless on New Year's Day, despite your uncalled for and ridiculous hangover, you get a by.

So stop planning and decorating and churning out the "Secret Santa" bullshit.  You're full of it, and everyone knows it.  If you want to have people come by your shanty, give them free booze and tell them everyone else will be there.  If you want to embrace the holiday spirit, join a fucking church.

Editor's note: Gina Genese is excluded from the criticism contained within this post.

Things you are not: Christian, generous, festive, popular, thoughtful

Filed under  //   austin   charities   charity   chaunukah   christmas   comedy   cynical   cynicism   empty   funny   gestures   haunakah   haunukah   holidays   humor   keenan   kwanza   parties   party   sarcasm   sarcastic   skeptic   skeptical   thanksgiving   thedailytube   useless   viral  
Posted December 19, 2009
// 2 Comments
 

You are MOST CERTAINLY not a "social media guru".

Guru

Like, are you fucking kidding?  What the hell is a "social media guru"?  Is that when you have nothing better to do than put made up occupations in your profile and go around Twitter following as many people as you can without being reported as a TOS abuser or a spam artist, with the feeble hopes that maybe 1 in 100 people will follow you back?  Guess what, guru, the ones that follow you back are probably fucking BOTS.

You're not a guru of anything.  You're overweight, undersexed, don't have any REAL friends, followers, or connections, and you're never going to get paid for fucking around on Facebook all day.  If you want to get sponsored, go do something that means something to someone.  At least that's a start, rather than filling everyone's inboxes with add requests, tweeting about asinine garbage like "How social media works for you," (I said that in my deep, childish mockery voice), and acting like you're helping people "build their brand".  Shut the fuck up. 

All you're doing is begging for people to read your stupid, poorly written blog which you think is going to attract ads and sponsors.  It's not.  Wake up.  The media is fucking dying because of ad sales and because it's an over-saturated industry full of hacks like you.  Once you and your kind finally give up, some of the real work can start to get done.

You're as much of a guru as The Love Guru was funny.  Stand up, walk outside, and reconsider what you've been doing with your life for the past few months.  Is it really worth it?  Are you proud of what you've done?  Have you really contributed anything to anyone at all?  Or have you just deluded yourself into thinking this is some kind of forward-thinking career move that will pay out in the long run?  Are you successful or are you going to be?  To which I reply: No, you're not.

Things you are not: a guru, smart, successful, popular, attractive

Filed under  //   TOS   annoying   austin   bot   comedy   cynical   cynicism   facebook   funny   guru   humor   keenan   mike meyers   myspace   new media   no   sarcasm   sarcastic   skeptic   skeptical   social media   spam   stupid   the love guru   thedailytube   twitter   viral  
Posted December 19, 2009
// 0 Comments
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