Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

Thoughts and links from a cynical skeptic

Mark Zuckerberg, you're not really serious about Facebook's new privacy settings, are you?

Zucklaugh1-thumb

Let me get this straight.  You're saying that Facebook's new privacy settings have to do with some kind of bullshit notion that privacy settings are based on "social norms", and by "today's standards" those norms would include putting all of your pictures and information out on search engines, available for the whole world to see whether or not you asked for it that way?

Wow, asshole.  There's calling bullshit, and then there's what I'm about to do to you.

You mean to tell me that attracting large amounts of traffic from search engines isn't your strategy for raising advertising prices?  Congratulations on finally posting a profit last year, but don't expect that you can just jack up the price on that type of commodity until you've recouped on the billions that have been dumped into your little, fickle, Twitter-imitating fratboy site.

You're full of shit, Zuckerberg.  None of this has to do with "norms" or whatever.  It has nothing to do with letting developers outside of Facebook get in on all the fun from outside the network.  It has to do with you being a shitty liar in public, just like that asshole from Google. It has to do with underhanded default settings that are a poor attempt at generating more revenue and piss off your users.  It's about marching about as if you're all innovative and shit when you're really just sneaky.  I hope Facebook falls nice and hard and you wind up homeless, you lying son of a bitch.

Things you are not: honest, innovative, adhering to "social norms"

(Pic via Gawker)

Filed under  //   austin   comedy   cynical   cynicism   facebook   funny   google   humor   keenan   liars   mark zuckerberg   privacy   sarcasm   sarcastic   skeptic   skeptical   skepticism   social media   viral   websites  

Twitter is not over capacity, and this damn whale is not cute at all.

Failwhale

I hate the fail whale.  While everyone seems to be tweeting their little brains out and all I want to do is share a cool game I found on the internet with the rest of the internet, this bloated bastard shows up and ruins all the fun.

I don't buy it, whale.  You've got your scornful eyes closed because you can't look me in the face and tell me that Twitter is seriously overloaded.  They've been growing faster than Facebook for a while now, and they should already have the equipment and capacity to keep schmucks like you from taunting me at random intervals of meaningless significance.

The next time you try to lie to me and make me reload the fucking page, I'm going to go Capt. Motherfucking Ahab on your ass and sell your body parts to the cosmetics industry.  I don't care if it's not legal anymore.  I need to be compensated for such a grave inconvenience.

Things you are not: over capacity, cute, fooling me, legal for commercial use

Filed under  //   ahab   animals   austin   comedy   cynical   cynicism   fail   funny   humor   keenan   sarcasm   sarcastic   skeptic   skeptical   skepticism   social media   twitter   viral   whale  

You are MOST CERTAINLY not a "social media guru".

Guru

Like, are you fucking kidding?  What the hell is a "social media guru"?  Is that when you have nothing better to do than put made up occupations in your profile and go around Twitter following as many people as you can without being reported as a TOS abuser or a spam artist, with the feeble hopes that maybe 1 in 100 people will follow you back?  Guess what, guru, the ones that follow you back are probably fucking BOTS.

You're not a guru of anything.  You're overweight, undersexed, don't have any REAL friends, followers, or connections, and you're never going to get paid for fucking around on Facebook all day.  If you want to get sponsored, go do something that means something to someone.  At least that's a start, rather than filling everyone's inboxes with add requests, tweeting about asinine garbage like "How social media works for you," (I said that in my deep, childish mockery voice), and acting like you're helping people "build their brand".  Shut the fuck up. 

All you're doing is begging for people to read your stupid, poorly written blog which you think is going to attract ads and sponsors.  It's not.  Wake up.  The media is fucking dying because of ad sales and because it's an over-saturated industry full of hacks like you.  Once you and your kind finally give up, some of the real work can start to get done.

You're as much of a guru as The Love Guru was funny.  Stand up, walk outside, and reconsider what you've been doing with your life for the past few months.  Is it really worth it?  Are you proud of what you've done?  Have you really contributed anything to anyone at all?  Or have you just deluded yourself into thinking this is some kind of forward-thinking career move that will pay out in the long run?  Are you successful or are you going to be?  To which I reply: No, you're not.

Things you are not: a guru, smart, successful, popular, attractive

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