Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

Thoughts and links from a cynical skeptic
 

There's nothing charming about the way John Mayer behaves.

Johnmayersinging

Before I say anything, I want to share with you a quote I got from Gawker this morning:

"I am the new generation of masturbator," says John Mayer in Rolling Stone, for which he posed shirtless.  "I've seen it all. Before I make coffee, I've seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week... I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn't pick up because I'm masturbating. I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off." That last part is pretty astute. On breaking up with Jennifer Aniston: "I've never really gotten over it. It was one of the worst times of my life." - John Mayer

This is a guy who gets drunk in public and goes on rants about politics as if he was a founding father.  This is a guy who tweets about Jennifer Aniston to the point where she had to break up with him, and then he would like us to believe it's as if he's the one who's being victimized.  Now, finally, this is a guy who goes to Rolling Stone and creepily details how much masturbating he needs to do in order to get through the day.

I don't think you can even make fun of this guy.  He has humiliated himself to the point of no return.  Oh, and for all of you out there that think his music is his saving grace, get real.  He sounds like he's high as shit all the time, and sucks on guitar.  Rock is dead.  Fuck John Mayer and his stupidity.  Gross.

(pic via TenGossip.com)

Filed under  //   austin   comedy   cynical   cynicism   douchebag   drunk   funny   humor   jennifer aniston   john mayer   keenan   masturbating   music   politics   ron paul   sarcasm   sarcastic   sexy   skeptic   skeptical   skepticism   viral  
Posted January 20, 2010
// 9 Comments
 

Jennifer Love Hewitt's chrystal encrusted clam is not sexy.

She's a beautiful girl, but let's be serious.  This "vagazzling" thing is really a bit much, even for a girl who has dated as many guys as she has. 

"It looks like a disco ball down there." 

Really.  And somehow you think this is cute and/or sexy?  The last thing any guy wants to think about is making it with a hot chick only to be confronted with a diamond chainsaw grinding up their "precious little gentleman".

How have you not opened yourself up for "annoying" attention while talking about how crusty your vagina is?  Oh, I'm sorry, "encrusted".  Like there's a difference.  If you need to smash rocks into your lady bits to get some kind of sensation, you probably have ruined yourself already.

As a disclaimer, I want to make it perfectly clear that this type of conversation is a blatant attempt at resurrecting a dying career.  Whether or not JLH has some kind of sexual disorder is not for me to assume.

Things you are not: sexy, cute, innocent, discreet

Filed under  //   austin   celebrities   chrystals   comedy   cynical   cynicism   diamonds   funny   george lopez   humor   interview   jennifer love hewitt   keenan   sarcasm   sarcastic   sexy   shut up   skeptic   skeptical   skepticism   vagazzling   vagina   video   viral   weird   whatever  
Posted January 15, 2010
// 10 Comments
 

You're not less of a loser because you're having sex with a robot, rather than a balloon.

Sex_robot_doomsday_604x341

Seriously, what are you doing?  You've somehow engineered a lawn mower to give you a blowjob and somehow you think this is both safe and natural?  Blowup dolls are just bizarre and creepy on their own and here you go sticking it in C-3P0.

While sex is prevelant in every medium from video games to cartoons to mass media, I would have hoped that Batteries Not Included would have remained the title of a charming story involving an elderly couple and alien robot things, and NOT become a viable porno title.  At least keep it within the vibrator fetish category.  No one wants to see pathetic nerds trying to fuck Rosie from The Jetsons in the regular section.

Now you're going to see much more troubling sex scandals develop.  The next thing you know, Tiger Woods eill admit that he bought one.  Look, guys, if you think it's a good idea to keep sticking your dick in the toaster oven, go right ahead.  Otherwise, let's put down the cock-bot mentality.

(Image via PopSci)

Filed under  //   austin   blowup   comedy   cynical   cynicism   dolls   funny   humor   keenan   masturbation   pathetic   robots   sarcasm   sarcastic   sexy   skeptic   skeptical   skepticism   tech   technology   viral   weird   wtf  
Posted January 11, 2010
// 16 Comments
 

This is not how you act sexy for your boyfriend, who is cheating on you. (slight nudity involved)

Are you serious?  What the hell do you think you're doing?  First off, you're broadcasting this to the entire damn internet; and, secondly, you're putting yourself in a most vulnerable position by putting the headphones on.  If there's music involved, honey, the audience wants to hear it.  It's probably more entertaining than watching you flail about trying miserably to look like a New Jersey stripper (or, better yet, a New Jersey guidette).

I love how your friend just mocks you in the background.  She's probably the one who stole this file and uploaded it for all the world to see.  She knows how pathetic this looks, and how much everyone is going to laugh at you.

You're embarrassing yourself not only because this is a stupid idea, but also because he probably doesn't even like you.  He probably hooked up with you once when he was drunk because one of your more attractive friends wouldn't give him the time of day.  In other words, he settled for a hookup that night.  If you think that's a relationship, then continue making an ass out of yourself on the internet.  Personally, I think he's cheating on you.  I know I would.

Things you are not: sexy, cute, in a relationship, keeping things private

(disclaimer: Before writing any nasty comments, try to remember that this is a humor blog.  If you thought about it and you still want to make a fool of yourself, go right ahead.)

Filed under  //   austin   breasts   cheating   comedy   cynical   cynicism   dance   dancing   embarrassment   funny   girls   humor   keenan   nudity   sarcasm   sarcastic   sexy   skeptic   skepticism   stripper   surprise   video   viral  
Posted December 23, 2009
// 0 Comments
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