Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

Thoughts and links from a cynical skeptic
 

There's nothing charming about the way John Mayer behaves.

Johnmayersinging

Before I say anything, I want to share with you a quote I got from Gawker this morning:

"I am the new generation of masturbator," says John Mayer in Rolling Stone, for which he posed shirtless.  "I've seen it all. Before I make coffee, I've seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week... I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn't pick up because I'm masturbating. I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off." That last part is pretty astute. On breaking up with Jennifer Aniston: "I've never really gotten over it. It was one of the worst times of my life." - John Mayer

This is a guy who gets drunk in public and goes on rants about politics as if he was a founding father.  This is a guy who tweets about Jennifer Aniston to the point where she had to break up with him, and then he would like us to believe it's as if he's the one who's being victimized.  Now, finally, this is a guy who goes to Rolling Stone and creepily details how much masturbating he needs to do in order to get through the day.

I don't think you can even make fun of this guy.  He has humiliated himself to the point of no return.  Oh, and for all of you out there that think his music is his saving grace, get real.  He sounds like he's high as shit all the time, and sucks on guitar.  Rock is dead.  Fuck John Mayer and his stupidity.  Gross.

(pic via TenGossip.com)

Filed under  //   austin   comedy   cynical   cynicism   douchebag   drunk   funny   humor   jennifer aniston   john mayer   keenan   masturbating   music   politics   ron paul   sarcasm   sarcastic   sexy   skeptic   skeptical   skepticism   viral  
Posted January 20, 2010
// 9 Comments
 

No matter how many times you say it, you're not very clear, Barack Obama.

Obama_perception

I'm having a hard time understanding why The Washington Post decided it was of the utmost importance that we detail the fact that Barack Obama says, "Let me be clear," alot.  But, you know what?  It provides me with the perfect opportunity to contradict the president that I voted for who blew it in the worst way possible this year.

Don't get me wrong.  I like the guy.  I voted for him.  But what in the hope/change/progress/bullshit was going on in 2009?  What actually got accomplished?  You can't say health care reform, because that's still a damn mess.  You can't really say creating jobs because the national rate is still double digits and the economy is still bleeding jobs.  You can't say Gitmo got closed because it just didn't.  You can't say troops are out of Iraq.  You can't say that Afghanistan is under control.  You can't say that Pakistan is under control.  You can't say that Iran is under control.  You can't say that North Korea is under control.  So, what can you say?

You can stand up and look yourself in the mirror and think of yourself as John F. Kennedy.  You can stand up in front of the entire country and talk some more about good intentions and united countries and bipartisan solutions, and you can punctuate it with, "Let me be clear."  But, seriously, Barack Obama, this is some boowooowoowooll-shit.  You pussied out of everything that got you elected.  You've got 3 more years to prove you're not a total waste, and then you're getting ousted by the first guy that comes along whether he's worthwhile or not.  Thanks for the ride.

Things you are not: JFK, clear at all, living up to promises, getting re-elected

(Image via Motivational Posters)

Filed under  //   afghanistan   austin   bailout   barack obama   commentary   economy   gitmo   guantanamo bay   health care   iran   iraq   jfk   jobs   john f. kennedy   keenan   pakistan   politics   president   recession   reform   skeptic   skeptical   skepticism   terrorism   terrorists   unemployment   war  
Posted January 15, 2010
// 7 Comments
 

You're not done for the day just yet. Sarah Palin is joining Fox News.

Palin_wink

Just when you thought the day was pretty much a wrap, this shit comes in.  The Moose Massacre Mama herself, Sarah Palin is set to take a job at Fox News sometime soon.  No word as of this post as to when and on what godforsaken program she'll be joining, but this all seems pretty official coming from AP.

The funny this is: this really isn't all that funny.  This is like the logical marriage of insanity that you would expect from someone like Palin, who has brazenly contradicted herself in public numerous times and is certainly not ashamed to hound for publicity at every chance she gets, even when her daughter bears an illegitimate child with a high school hookup who's now posing for Playboy.

What else would you expect from Palin?  Did you think she was going to join a news network that wasn't caught in countless instances of news coverage fraud?  Maybe a network that has fair and balanced coverage, instead of providing an extremely loud mouthpiece for the Republican party, marked by a history of sexual harassment and physical aggression in the workplace?

No, Palin is going right to where she belongs:  with all the screaming crazies that can't believe that the government would actually try to keep the rich from getting richer and provide fair treatment for all citizens regardless of race, creed, sexual preference, or ties to established piggy profit industries.

Things you are not: done with the day's news, surprised, partisan, engaged in this subject matter

Filed under  //   alaska   austin   breaking   broadcast   comedy   commentator   cynical   cynicism   fox news   funny   governor   humor   omg   political   politics   republican   sarah palin   sarcasm   sarcastic   skeptic   skeptical   skepticism   viral   wtf  
Posted January 11, 2010
// 7 Comments
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