Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

Thoughts and links from a cynical skeptic
 

There's nothing charming about the way John Mayer behaves.

Johnmayersinging

Before I say anything, I want to share with you a quote I got from Gawker this morning:

"I am the new generation of masturbator," says John Mayer in Rolling Stone, for which he posed shirtless.  "I've seen it all. Before I make coffee, I've seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week... I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn't pick up because I'm masturbating. I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off." That last part is pretty astute. On breaking up with Jennifer Aniston: "I've never really gotten over it. It was one of the worst times of my life." - John Mayer

This is a guy who gets drunk in public and goes on rants about politics as if he was a founding father.  This is a guy who tweets about Jennifer Aniston to the point where she had to break up with him, and then he would like us to believe it's as if he's the one who's being victimized.  Now, finally, this is a guy who goes to Rolling Stone and creepily details how much masturbating he needs to do in order to get through the day.

I don't think you can even make fun of this guy.  He has humiliated himself to the point of no return.  Oh, and for all of you out there that think his music is his saving grace, get real.  He sounds like he's high as shit all the time, and sucks on guitar.  Rock is dead.  Fuck John Mayer and his stupidity.  Gross.

(pic via TenGossip.com)

Filed under  //   austin   comedy   cynical   cynicism   douchebag   drunk   funny   humor   jennifer aniston   john mayer   keenan   masturbating   music   politics   ron paul   sarcasm   sarcastic   sexy   skeptic   skeptical   skepticism   viral  
Posted January 20, 2010
// 9 Comments
 

You're not really leaving American Idol after this season, Simon Cowell.

Simon-cowell-funny-face

You and I both know this is a bit of a game with you, don't we, Simon?  You would have the screaming, crying, unnecessarily-obsessive tweeny masses that constitutes the vast majority of American Idol's audience believe that this is really emotional for you, and after coming so far, the time has finally come to release your icy grip on American television and move on.

Well, with the news that you're going to be doing the American version of X-Factor instead, I must politely call BULLSHIT on this whole thing.  What is X-Factor, if not basically the same thing as American Idol?  Okay, sure.  There's different talents allowed in the competition outside of singing.  And there's certainly not a lot of people performing on Idol with a full erection (that I remember, anyway).  But, really, Simon?  Why not just alter Idol to be the same unruly schmuckfest that XXX-Factor already is?

Now, I know that this post is coming a bit late on the news of this silliness.  And, as a disclaimer, I have been a fan of American Idol for many years now (don't ask me why).  But this is still bullshit.  It's not emotional, Cowell.  You've been dying to get away from that lunatic Paula Abdul for years, and, let's face it, Kara Diaguardi is not all that much better.  You're as sick of that "dog pound" bullshit as the rest of us are.

It's not time to move on to anything besides a fatter paycheck and hopefully some well-behaved cohosts.  You, and I, and anyone with half a brain, knows that.  But we need nasty Britons like you to make hopeless bloggers like me laugh a lot and feel justified about hating on everything.

Things you are not: leaving American Idol, emotional, going to miss Paula Abdul

(Pic from Deceiver.com)

Filed under  //   american idol   celebrities   comedy   cynical   cynicism   funny   humor   kara dioguardi   music   paula abdul   randy jackson   sarcasm   sarcastic   simon cowell   singing   skeptic   skeptical   skepticism   viral   x factor  
Posted January 13, 2010
// 7 Comments
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