Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

Thoughts and links from a cynical skeptic
 

Your New Year's resolutions are the easiest "No, You're Not" post ever.

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Well, internet, welcome to 2010 (which is pronounced "twenty ten" goddammit, I'm sick of the stupid argument, but I digress)!!  We all took some time off to not be with our families and not celebrate anything with our friends and now we have lots of stuff we're promising we're going to accomplish over the next year, right?

The idea of resolutions for the new year makes me laugh so hard I wind up shitting a pack of cigarettes into a fat person's mouth and setting it on fire.  So, in spirit of this futile practice of self-serving humanity, let's establish all the things you are NOT doing this year:

1. Quitting smoking - You and I both know that you won't really even "cut back".  You'll stop smoking for anywhere between a couple days or a couple months and you'll be begging your friends all over again.

2. Getting in shape - You're a natural born fat ass; get over it.  If you're living in America, you're SUPPOSED to have at least 30 extra pounds.  It's like a law or something.

3. Getting a better job/promotion - Bullshit.  You don't deserve a promotion because you don't and will not work hard enough for it.  You won't find a new better job because you're unqualified.  Get back in there and sell something.  You're behind your sales goal.

4. Going on vacation - You can't afford it.  Don't be stupid.  If you manage to figure out how to purchase a plane ticket, you will not eat for at least a month, or you will be evicted from your apartment.  Then you can take a sabbatical in a cardboard box.  Sounds fun!

5. Getting out of debt - Absolutely not.  If anything, you'll trick yourself into thinking you're "taking care of it" by using yet another loan to consolidate your debts.  The country itself is in the hole $12 TRILLION, so you're never getting out of debt.  Forget about it. (http://www.brillig.com/debt_clock/)

Without going into detail, here's a few more things you will not be doing this year: spending more time with family, getting organized, changing your drinking habits, learning a new hobby, enjoying life more, or finishing or starting anything you think will make you feel better about yourself.

Here's to a great TWENTY TEN!!!

Filed under  //   2009   2010   austin   comedy   cynical   cynicism   drinking   exercise   family   fat   funny   hobbies   holidays   humor   keenan   new year's eve   promises   quitting   resolutions   sarcasm   sarcastic   skeptical   skepticism   smoking   travel   vacations   viral   weight loss  
Posted January 4, 2010
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No, there is no snow on these palm trees. This is fake.

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Okay.  So, like a fair amount of the rest of us, I've had a preoccupation with snow photography for the past week or so.  But, how am I supposed to believe that this palm tree in the French Rivera REALLY got snowed on?  What in the Winter Wonderland is going on here?

No.  Reject.  Failure. 

My perception has been so polluted with obvious Photoshop hoaxes that I cannot accept this.  Either get serious with me, or stop taking pictures altogether.

Why don't you just take some pictures in Canada or fucking Siberia, like a normal photographer?  Stop trying to fool us with this crazy "Oh, it snows on palm trees, even though it's rare" bullshit.  I don't buy it because I can't (I'm poor, hmph).

Things you are not: seeing snow on palm trees, fooling me, a clever photographer, in the French Rivera

Filed under  //   austin   chaunukah   christmas   cynical   cynicism   fake   france   french riviera   funny   haunakah   holiday   holidays   humor   keenan   palm trees   photography   sarcasm   sarcastic   skeptic   skeptical   snow   snowflake   viral   winter  
Posted December 23, 2009
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You're not going to have a good holiday, and your party will definitely suck.

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You live in a dump.  Nobody wants to hang out with you during the holidays because all you do is get overly excited about a commercial holiday that has outlived its time as a relevant factor in American society.

Everyone hates Christmas, whether they admit it or not.  The only reason anyone goes about any of the trouble to celebrate the holidays (GOD, I hate how i have to keep using a bullshit euphemism like that) is so that they either a) get laid or b) get something nice in return or c) make themselves feel better about acting selfishly all year with meaningless, token motions of generosity that add up to "spending money for no reason". 

This includes any and all charity work done in between Thanksgiving season and New Year's Day.  If you manage to go help out the homeless on New Year's Day, despite your uncalled for and ridiculous hangover, you get a by.

So stop planning and decorating and churning out the "Secret Santa" bullshit.  You're full of it, and everyone knows it.  If you want to have people come by your shanty, give them free booze and tell them everyone else will be there.  If you want to embrace the holiday spirit, join a fucking church.

Editor's note: Gina Genese is excluded from the criticism contained within this post.

Things you are not: Christian, generous, festive, popular, thoughtful

Filed under  //   austin   charities   charity   chaunukah   christmas   comedy   cynical   cynicism   empty   funny   gestures   haunakah   haunukah   holidays   humor   keenan   kwanza   parties   party   sarcasm   sarcastic   skeptic   skeptical   thanksgiving   thedailytube   useless   viral  
Posted December 19, 2009
// 2 Comments
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