You're not going to have a good holiday, and your party will definitely suck.
You live in a dump. Nobody wants to hang out with you during the holidays because all you do is get overly excited about a commercial holiday that has outlived its time as a relevant factor in American society.
Everyone hates Christmas, whether they admit it or not. The only reason anyone goes about any of the trouble to celebrate the holidays (GOD, I hate how i have to keep using a bullshit euphemism like that) is so that they either a) get laid or b) get something nice in return or c) make themselves feel better about acting selfishly all year with meaningless, token motions of generosity that add up to "spending money for no reason". This includes any and all charity work done in between Thanksgiving season and New Year's Day. If you manage to go help out the homeless on New Year's Day, despite your uncalled for and ridiculous hangover, you get a by. So stop planning and decorating and churning out the "Secret Santa" bullshit. You're full of it, and everyone knows it. If you want to have people come by your shanty, give them free booze and tell them everyone else will be there. If you want to embrace the holiday spirit, join a fucking church. Editor's note: Gina Genese is excluded from the criticism contained within this post.Things you are not: Christian, generous, festive, popular, thoughtful
