Austin Keenan presents: "No, you're not."

Thoughts and links from a cynical skeptic
 

No, there is no snow on these palm trees. This is fake.

S08_21493119

Okay.  So, like a fair amount of the rest of us, I've had a preoccupation with snow photography for the past week or so.  But, how am I supposed to believe that this palm tree in the French Rivera REALLY got snowed on?  What in the Winter Wonderland is going on here?

No.  Reject.  Failure. 

My perception has been so polluted with obvious Photoshop hoaxes that I cannot accept this.  Either get serious with me, or stop taking pictures altogether.

Why don't you just take some pictures in Canada or fucking Siberia, like a normal photographer?  Stop trying to fool us with this crazy "Oh, it snows on palm trees, even though it's rare" bullshit.  I don't buy it because I can't (I'm poor, hmph).

Things you are not: seeing snow on palm trees, fooling me, a clever photographer, in the French Rivera

Filed under  //   austin   chaunukah   christmas   cynical   cynicism   fake   france   french riviera   funny   haunakah   holiday   holidays   humor   keenan   palm trees   photography   sarcasm   sarcastic   skeptic   skeptical   snow   snowflake   viral   winter  
Posted December 23, 2009
// 2 Comments
 

You're not going to have a good holiday, and your party will definitely suck.

266046782_7d4170d5e2_o

You live in a dump.  Nobody wants to hang out with you during the holidays because all you do is get overly excited about a commercial holiday that has outlived its time as a relevant factor in American society.

Everyone hates Christmas, whether they admit it or not.  The only reason anyone goes about any of the trouble to celebrate the holidays (GOD, I hate how i have to keep using a bullshit euphemism like that) is so that they either a) get laid or b) get something nice in return or c) make themselves feel better about acting selfishly all year with meaningless, token motions of generosity that add up to "spending money for no reason". 

This includes any and all charity work done in between Thanksgiving season and New Year's Day.  If you manage to go help out the homeless on New Year's Day, despite your uncalled for and ridiculous hangover, you get a by.

So stop planning and decorating and churning out the "Secret Santa" bullshit.  You're full of it, and everyone knows it.  If you want to have people come by your shanty, give them free booze and tell them everyone else will be there.  If you want to embrace the holiday spirit, join a fucking church.

Editor's note: Gina Genese is excluded from the criticism contained within this post.

Things you are not: Christian, generous, festive, popular, thoughtful

Filed under  //   austin   charities   charity   chaunukah   christmas   comedy   cynical   cynicism   empty   funny   gestures   haunakah   haunukah   holidays   humor   keenan   kwanza   parties   party   sarcasm   sarcastic   skeptic   skeptical   thanksgiving   thedailytube   useless   viral  
Posted December 19, 2009
// 2 Comments
Blogroll

Comment Collector
The Daily Tube
InventorSpot
SomeGuys.tv
The Ticker
Dollars&Sense
RoxyHumz Mumble Jumble