Jennifer Love Hewitt's chrystal encrusted clam is not sexy.

She's a beautiful girl, but let's be serious.  This "vagazzling" thing is really a bit much, even for a girl who has dated as many guys as she has. 

"It looks like a disco ball down there." 

Really.  And somehow you think this is cute and/or sexy?  The last thing any guy wants to think about is making it with a hot chick only to be confronted with a diamond chainsaw grinding up their "precious little gentleman".

How have you not opened yourself up for "annoying" attention while talking about how crusty your vagina is?  Oh, I'm sorry, "encrusted".  Like there's a difference.  If you need to smash rocks into your lady bits to get some kind of sensation, you probably have ruined yourself already.

As a disclaimer, I want to make it perfectly clear that this type of conversation is a blatant attempt at resurrecting a dying career.  Whether or not JLH has some kind of sexual disorder is not for me to assume.

Things you are not: sexy, cute, innocent, discreet

You're not really leaving American Idol after this season, Simon Cowell.

You and I both know this is a bit of a game with you, don't we, Simon?  You would have the screaming, crying, unnecessarily-obsessive tweeny masses that constitutes the vast majority of American Idol's audience believe that this is really emotional for you, and after coming so far, the time has finally come to release your icy grip on American television and move on.

Well, with the news that you're going to be doing the American version of X-Factor instead, I must politely call BULLSHIT on this whole thing.  What is X-Factor, if not basically the same thing as American Idol?  Okay, sure.  There's different talents allowed in the competition outside of singing.  And there's certainly not a lot of people performing on Idol with a full erection (that I remember, anyway).  But, really, Simon?  Why not just alter Idol to be the same unruly schmuckfest that XXX-Factor already is?

Now, I know that this post is coming a bit late on the news of this silliness.  And, as a disclaimer, I have been a fan of American Idol for many years now (don't ask me why).  But this is still bullshit.  It's not emotional, Cowell.  You've been dying to get away from that lunatic Paula Abdul for years, and, let's face it, Kara Diaguardi is not all that much better.  You're as sick of that "dog pound" bullshit as the rest of us are.

It's not time to move on to anything besides a fatter paycheck and hopefully some well-behaved cohosts.  You, and I, and anyone with half a brain, knows that.  But we need nasty Britons like you to make hopeless bloggers like me laugh a lot and feel justified about hating on everything.

Things you are not: leaving American Idol, emotional, going to miss Paula Abdul

(Pic from Deceiver.com)

You're so totally not dead, fatboy Elvis. Happy 75th birthday!

You fat bastard.  Everyone knows you never died.  You just picked up your bulbous-ass, honky-tonk-ass, stealin'-music-from-black-people-ass suede shoes and headed into hiding.  But you didn't even do that right!  Mofos been seein' you all over America!  The King...has been BUSTED.

You would have been better off as Undead Presley.  You could have avoided all the screaming fans, because who wants to make out with a decomposing, super-gutted washup anyway?  But you still would have sold out venues, and that's really what counts.

All you Elvis fans, out there, sing along: ~You ain't nothin' but zombie...groanin' all the time.  You ain't nothin' but fat slob...pukin' all the time.  Well you ain't never gotten buried and you ain't foolin me this time.~

Things you are not: alive, dead, undead, skinny

You're not sorry that Casey Johnson died, Tila Tequila, you scumbag.

You could give a shit about a girl who died from substance abuse that you publicly encouraged when her friends and family were trying to reach out to her before something like this happened.  The idea that you would show up to meet her family and then start shit over Twitter just shows what a dirt bag you've always been, using this whole catastophe to try and boost your fameball status.

I don't even have to make any cracks about your looks or your intelligence or your morality, because you've effectively turned yourself into such a self-parodying, ugly embarrassment professional that even Paris Hilton can't take you seriously. 

When you vomit to the paparazzi press such things as Casey's dogs being put "to sleep to bury with Casey" and then Twittering your promise to get back at Nicky and Paris for such a heinous act, you take all the work out of scorning you, because everyone's sitting here hating you without me having to do anything.

When you slather your ugly ass all over the internet to venerate yourself about how you knew something was wrong with "wifey", when it appears you only knew Casey Johnson for about a month before she died, you make it easy for people to judge you as not only an attention whore, but a dirty, disgusting, drug-using slut that has no place in the world other than the slimely underbelly of L.A.  Please stay there.

When you use a person's death as a means to get in front of a camera and bitch about the people who cared about her, and then try to assert to the internet, of all things, that you are experiencing some kind of sadness or loss or remorse, you have made it exceptionally easy for us all to collectively proclaim, "No, you're not."

Things you are not: attractive, sad, sorry, human

(pic via Gawker)