Your New Year's resolutions are the easiest "No, You're Not" post ever.
Well, internet, welcome to 2010 (which is pronounced "twenty ten" goddammit, I'm sick of the stupid argument, but I digress)!! We all took some time off to not be with our families and not celebrate anything with our friends and now we have lots of stuff we're promising we're going to accomplish over the next year, right?
The idea of resolutions for the new year makes me laugh so hard I wind up shitting a pack of cigarettes into a fat person's mouth and setting it on fire. So, in spirit of this futile practice of self-serving humanity, let's establish all the things you are NOT doing this year: 1. Quitting smoking - You and I both know that you won't really even "cut back". You'll stop smoking for anywhere between a couple days or a couple months and you'll be begging your friends all over again. 2. Getting in shape - You're a natural born fat ass; get over it. If you're living in America, you're SUPPOSED to have at least 30 extra pounds. It's like a law or something.3. Getting a better job/promotion - Bullshit. You don't deserve a promotion because you don't and will not work hard enough for it. You won't find a new better job because you're unqualified. Get back in there and sell something. You're behind your sales goal. 4. Going on vacation - You can't afford it. Don't be stupid. If you manage to figure out how to purchase a plane ticket, you will not eat for at least a month, or you will be evicted from your apartment. Then you can take a sabbatical in a cardboard box. Sounds fun! 5. Getting out of debt - Absolutely not. If anything, you'll trick yourself into thinking you're "taking care of it" by using yet another loan to consolidate your debts. The country itself is in the hole $12 TRILLION, so you're never getting out of debt. Forget about it. (http://www.brillig.com/debt_clock/) Without going into detail, here's a few more things you will not be doing this year: spending more time with family, getting organized, changing your drinking habits, learning a new hobby, enjoying life more, or finishing or starting anything you think will make you feel better about yourself. Here's to a great TWENTY TEN!!!
